I have fallen so far down into the sea, by the time I looked back up,,, I could no longer see the light. Every day is a fight between me and the monsters.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
6.2.12
I woke up too early today because Hailey was making noise and it’s too hot. Now I have a bad headache.
Today is my break from working out day. I went and bought sports bras and running shoes. I’m planning on running tomorrow. The first runs always suck. I can’t wait until I build up some endurance.
It is hot! My mom bought cheesecake and rolos. Love them both. It makes me feel bad when I waste food. Makes it hard to eat right.
Don’t ignore real people.
I tell myself this every time a real person talks to me and I forget to respond.
I need a laptop.
I want to watch movies, write essays, edit novels, and I need a webcam that is good enough to skype with from college.
Help me out?
6.1.12
I read the card from my parents wishing me luck in the future and congratulating me for graduating- and I find it hard to believe that they really mean the things they said. I don’t know what I feel towards them. I wish I was sure.
Today is day 4 of working out. So far, I have hula hooped for an hour straight, and did crunches. I did 700 jumping jacks. That’s my record, for sure.
My muscles are sore. Every bone feels bruised. I struggled to put my clothes on. It hurts to move at all.
Looking forward to working out harder tomorrow.
I would really like to run, but I don’t have the proper shoes.
I need to search online for a laptop. I need, and the longer I wait to look for one myself, the longer it will take to get one. I need to start editing my novel, and I can’t without a laptop.
Thank you, random anon who may or may not know me. Come off anon, maybe? For all I know, you might not even know what I look like.
5.31.12
It is 12:27pm and I’ve already woken up, eaten breakfast, done my hair and makeup, gotten dressed, taken out the recyclables, and picked up my diploma. I know that’s not much for most people, but considering this is about the time I’d be rolling out of bed on a normal day, I would consider this a success.
It actually made me really anxious to be at school again. It felt weird. I saw people I knew there, and it was not fun. One girl said my makeup was lopsided, and I said that I woke up ten minutes ago, so I don’t care. Then her boyfriend chimed in and bragged about how early he always wakes up, like it would make me feel guilty for sleeping in or something. I also saw M.F. and T.B. Every time, I think it’s the last time I’ll ever see them, and then they show up some where. Bizarre.
What am I even supposed to do with a high school diploma? It’s a stupid piece of paper with an ugly font and proves that I wasted four years of my life.
5.30.12
I had a dream about zombies. Nothing bad even happened. I was safe the whole time until I discovered the man who was helping me was a zombie himself. I woke up and thought there really was a zombie apocalypse going on.
Lipstick and sunscreen are my number one beauty tricks. During summer, I like to do girlie things, like wear makeup, dress up, and occasionally do my hair.
Today was day two of working out. It hurt as bad as yesterday, and then some. I had to really harness my inner strength to bring out the outer strength.
It feels really good to be working out again. I had been ignoring my body for so long. Friggen senior year took up all my energy. It killed me a little bit on the inside. Glad it’s over.
5.29.12
I want a white cat named Cassie.
I worked out today for the first time this session. This is the start of my healthy lifestyle. Once again, I’m hoping I can stick with this plan. Things are way too unstable to stick to a routine. It just hasn’t been able to work.
It sucks so bad the first time you work out. It’s a different pain and struggle than working hard, it’s worse. Pain after a month is encouraging because you know that it’s working. Pain the first week sucks because your body isn’t used to working.
Looking forward to next week. I want to feel the comfortable pain I can adjust to.
Also, I want to be able to run. It’s just really hard because my lungs are such shit. I know how much I can push my muscles; I don’t know how much I can push my lungs.
5.28.12
It’s Sam’s birthday today. We left the beach house today. I ate cereal every morning for breakfast, then my dad bought donuts..every morning. I’ve been eating lots of desserts- cupcakes, ice cream, cookies, donuts… My jeans barely fit any more. Starting tomorrow, I’m starting a healthy lifestyle change. I’ll be eating healthier, working out, reading, painting, and attempting to socialize a little bit. The plan is to stay busy all summer- not including vacation times.
I want to get back to my body fitness level that I had in 8th grade. I was a beast.
5.26.12
Staying at the beach house from 25-28. It’s cold, windy, and not as welcoming as it used to be. It’s funny how things change as you get older.
Jonne, James, and I went shopping at the mall today because I’m an idiot and didn’t pack bras. But, I did pack see through tank tops. *face palm* This is the worst job packing that I have ever done. I was able to buy one at the mall though, as well as an asymmetrical loose black top, and a floral dress.
Days like today make me wish I had more friends to talk to.
5.25.12
This is not how I imagined my life would be.
I graduated today. I blew off grad parties so we could have extra time at the beach, bit then we ended up leaving late. I thought today would be about me; they said it would be, but the focus was on Sam. Immediately after we got to Denny’s, it was on her again. I don’t blame her for it, but it sucks anyway. Luckily, I didn’t get my hopes up.
